I'm thinking about starting one. Why?
I don't know.
It took me a ridiculous amount of time to even choose a theme. My eyes welled up at the frustration of not even being able to make the smallest of decisions. One that doesn't even matter.
Which started negative self-talk of which I am still not above.
How can one so pathetic still be existing?
All I seem to know how to do is appreciate beauty.
I don't have much to say today, except that
1) I like my boss,
2) I secretly painted my nails at work,
3) I have this urge for a few months now to write down my life. Uh, comprehensibly.
4) Pictures:
“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.” CHARLES BUKOWSKI [1920-94]
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” ERNEST HEMINGWAY [1899-1961]
“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” HUNTER S. THOMPSON [1937-2005]
“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.” EDGAR ALLAN POE [1809-49]
“After a month’s sobriety my faculties became unbearably acute and I found myself unhealthily clairvoyant, having insights into places I’d as soon not journey to. Unlike some men, I had never drunk for boldness or charm or wit; I had used alcohol for precisely what it was, a depressant to check the mental exhilaration produced by extended sobriety.” FREDERICK EXLEY [1929-92]
I was just told not 15 minutes ago that I will be receiving MY OWN office/cubicle. I'm not sure what to call it. It has a room number... Anyway, I'm pretty excited to be secluded and isolated, not gonna lie. Won't have to deal with creepy guys, as much. At least, I hope.
I think my prediction of another Mana-sama phase was premature, as it seems I'm still obsessed with Emilie Autumn on some level or another.
But for another flashback, this time PRE-high school, I've logged into GaiaOnline for the first time in... I actually don't know how long.
Speaking of pre-high school flashbacks... get ready for some old journal entries. And by journal I don't mean blogging, I mean hand-written in a little black book with the word "Journal" printed on the front, in silver. I wasn't very subtle back then.
I'm not going to type out every single entry, obviously. Just a handful, of note. The ones I find more interesting than others. Typed out exactly how I read them, how I wrote them. Complete with little "+'s" instead of "and's".
Thursday, August 18, 2005 10:23~in my room~First real day of school. Met another cool girl, her name is Clara. Had to wear a beanie all day. Didn’t get to get online because we went to Jazz on the green. It seems as if the day is pointless if I don’t get to talk to Dave. Nothing to keep me going. No enthusiasm. I’ll paint my nails I guess.
Monday September 5, 2005~10:15~in my room~I was only there for like 20 minutes when mom shows up, insisting I have to leave. I was so incredibly pissed, I started crying on the way home, + it continued for a long time afterwards. I was so mad, I wanted to just run out of the house + run all the way back to Dave’s. How would you feel mom if you only got to see Brad once every 2 weeks or so? No, scratch that. All your bestest friends. And all of the sudden, you get snatched away from that. I wanted to kick + scream, should out for all the world to hear.
September 20, 2005~Tuesday~8:46~in my room~I painted my nails a deep red! Kind of like a blood red. RAWR! I am the vampire goddess of the dark coming to rip you to pieces with my bloody fingertips! Haha! Woah. That was weird. See, when I don’t talk to Dave for a couple of days, I start to go insane... Pray for me so I don’t go around killing people, like Kassie, that Slayer-gone-Psycho-Demon..thingy thing.
November 24, 2005~Thursday~6:16~In the dining room at Carolyn’s parent’s house. Umm...yeah. Brandi’s on the computer, everyone else is either eating dessert or watching the football game. I can’t go lock myself in the bathroom like I do other family get-togethers because 1) this isn’t my family and 2) there’s only one bathroom.
Friday~November 25, 2005~1:48~In the same room. Kassie must have brought up my neck fetish or something. Great, huh? It’s stupid, something that doesn’t matter, something that shouldn’t have or ever again be brought up because it concerns no one save myself. Which is my I’m going to build up a resistance for it (+ also my waist) so nobody will care + no one can make fun of me for it. I can build up a mind-set for that, can’t I? I already accidently built one for kissing, great for Julia. Dunno how I’m gonna tear that one down, but I think Kayla can help me out mentally on that. As for physically... nevermind that.
Sleep well, Weep well, Go to the deep well As often as possible. Bring back the water, Jostling and gleaming. God did not plan on consciousness Developing so Well. Well, Tell Him our Pail is full And He can Go to Hell.
Stan Rice
24 June 93
I have three months until I can donate plasma.
I have a great respect for the Dalai Lama.
"All major religions have the same potential to bring inner peace. These different religions have different practices, but the main message is the same: compassion."
"It's most helpful to look at a problem from various angles. This analytical process is central to Buddhism. We debate, we develop the mind and this creates a peaceful heart. Buddha said: “All my followers should not accept my teachings out of respect, but through their own investigations.” Analyze everything by yourself!"
"Too much attachment to one's own nation's interests is not fit for the 21st century's holistic approach. The problem of global warming is that it's not a problem for some nations. Those nations only care about their country and not about others. But we are interconnected more than ever before. "
Currently listening to: "Sajna Ve Sajna" by Sunidhi Chauhan from the movie Chameli.
Currently reading: Blood Canticle by Anne Rice.
Still gaming Oblivion.
I'm all alone at work, and my thoughts wander to places I want to go before I die.
Truth is, I think I want to go everywhere. :) Why, I can't put my finger on as easily...
Fact is, I need to jump on it, because I have yet to meet a vampire who will reveal themselves to me and let me live forever.
This is probably a terrible place to make a list of all the people I've met that I secretly like to pretend are vampires. :)
I want a kitten, and I will love this kitten, and I want this kitten to love me. <3
I wish I had the time and motivation in the day to cook different, healthy, and interesting ethnic foods. One day, this will happen.
Still on Season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with James, although I think we only have 3 episodes left. Shit has hit the fan and it's about time to clean it up.
Work can be incredibly boring. I keep Failbook open just in case anyone wants to talk to me (although I try my hardest not to get caught with it on my screen...) and save me from boredom.
I spend a good amount of time reading Freakonomics, but there's only so many statistics I can take in before my brain and eyes hurt more than they already do.
This recent onslaught of headaches, tired eyes, and overall drowsiness is caused by any combination of the following things:
1) Side-effects of new meds,
2) Not getting enough sleep,
3) Staring at a computer screen for the vast majority of my waking hours,
4) Waking up early every morning,
5) Well if I could tame all my desires, wait out the weather that howls in my brain. Because it seems that it’s always changing, the wind’s indecision, the sorrowful rain.
Going to Zach's concert tonight. I want to go, I mean I know it means a lot to him that I am, but... middle-schoolers T_T And my mom t-t She just stresses me OUT! T__T
And where did all my time go?
Right now I just kind of want to play Oblivion ... That would be calming right now, I think.
Not that I'm not calm. I'm just tired. And my brain is agitated. UGH.
And it is always just my luck that I have to use the men's restroom because someone is always in mine.
[1920-94] 
[1899-1961] 
[1937-2005] 
[1809-49] 
[1929-92] 
-sama phase was premature, as it seems I'm still obsessed with 
on some level or another.
,
. John Constantine, asshole.
That's right, I use a CD player... in my car.
. But I have seen 
, and believe me when I say that this rings true true true as blue.
.
by Anne Rice.
.
(Read the book as well, which was very intense but very well written.)
".
, but there's only so many statistics I can take in before my brain and eyes hurt more than they already do. 
... That would be calming right now, I think.