J2, iii. (2007)

 For the beginning of this journal, see the previous two entries. (Years 2005 & 2006.)

Thursday, January 4, 2007~12:04 AM~ ~in the upstairs bathroom ~ Hello, Dr. ____.  My name is Julia, yes. I’m 16, I live with my mom, 2 younger brothers, and I go an all girls school. My parents are divorced: my mom is getting married tomorrow, yes he’s a good guy, and my Dad’s been married for about a year now and I love his wife. They got divorced at the end of 7th grade. Yeah, I’m a sophomore now. No on has died... recently. I’m here because I think something is... well... wrong or different about me. I looked + read around... I knew I wasn’t bipolar, I don’t think I have ADD or ADHD. I just wanted to see if I was quote quote “normal”. Which, when I found what I was looking for, my normal accounted for about 2% of the population. The population of what, I never read. The world? The U.S.? First-world countries? Anways, what I’m talking about is Borderline Personality Disorder. When I first read about it on some medical website, my thoughts were “oh my gosh, this is me.” Not too long after that though, I of course had my doubts. “I’m just trying to be different,” I told myself. “I’m just trying to prove to myself that I am not “normal,” and that I am special. I’m just a self-pitying teenager trying to get attention.” Deep down, I guess that’s what I was looking for. But I never go that deep. If I wanted attention, I would have told someone. I would have acted out. But I never did. Because I thought I was just trying to convince myself that there was something wrong with me. But I was still, as always, curious. I’d read a little here, a little there, ya know. Most of the time using the same websites, kind of a refresher of the memory, but also to rekindle that possibility, that it might be true. I’m smart enough to know not to completely trust things I read on the internet. Even if they’re medical websites. And you may know, there’s not a lot out there if your searching about stuff about it. So one day... who am I kidding, it was yesterday... I went to Borders with my dad, went to the psychology section, and sat down right there on the floor reading for an hour the only book I could find on it. I almost bought it too, but decided against it as to not get my father suspicious. Oh, he knows I love psychology. In fact the reason I wanted to go to the bookstore was because the week before my boyfriend’s brother, who is majoring in psychology, took my boyfriend, a friend of ours, and I to the bookstore. Nick, the older brother, was looking in the psychology section. I of course was curious, but didn’t want to butt in. When he later moved to the philosophy section (I think he’s minoring in that?) I moved in. I looked, but I didn’t date pull anything out, for Dave and Mick were right there with me.. Oh yes, Dave, he’s my boyfriend. We’ve been “going out” for almost two years. He’s an eighth grader at the school I went to. He’s in one of my brother’s grade, so I’ve known him for a pretty long time. He’s pretty much my best friend. And no, he is not immature, and yes, I love him. We’re not perfect, but we care about each other and are always forgiving in the end. Now, back to the bookstore... so I read a good portion of that book. I pretty much skipped over the part that had to do with the brain. Anyways, I am here because I think I have it. I qualified for at least 5 of the 9 symptoms. Maybe 6. All I remember is at least 5 were needed. But not all. I’ll talk about those next time. Thank you so much for your time, Doctor. It feels good to talk to someone.”

Thursday, January 4, 2007~9:58 PM~in my room~ “Demolition Lovers” Hello Doctor, nice to see you again. Yup, this is my iPod. My dad gave me the money to buy it on eBay for Xmas. Music is very important to me. Sometimes I think its more important than it should be. Dad told awhile ago that I hide behind my music, that I run away to it. When he first told me that, it took me by surprise, but when I thought about it, I knew it was true. I don’t do drugs, I do music. I guess it does the same thing for me. Well I know this is in a different direction, but... my cousin, Kayla. She’s one year younger than me. I think she has ADD + is bipolar or something, I’m not really sure. All I know is that I’m worried about her. Usually she toughs it + always gets through hard times, but tonight my mom took me into her room + told me Kayla’s mom, my aunt Pam, had called my mom, and apparently Kayla is about as down as it gets. As in suicide. I know Kayla has attempted suicide before; she has told me. But she’s always had it hard. Parents, boyfriends, (girlfriends), friends, friends with benefits. She + I are really close like I said, but there are some things she doesn’t tell me. Especially details regarding relationships. Hell, I think she’s probably the one who is Borderline. Maybe I just like to pretend that I have problems. Jealous that everyone else gets all the attention. I’m just the seemingly stable best friend that everyone relies. I can’t be everyone’s best friend. I’m not even allowed to have one. The order of my myspace top 8 is not how I would like it to be... Must... keep... people... happy. I have to be there for all of them. Their problems are my problems. I have to help. Most of all, I have to be there for them. Not neccessarily help. For that in its own way is helping. If Borderline affects 2% of the population; 33 out of 100 women (those two stats don’t even add up?), then why haven’t I heard more about it? Why do I feel so alone, like there’s no one else like me, that feels what I feel, that I can relate to? Maybe I’m just a stupid weird teenager. Probably. Most likely. See, this is how it is. One day, I’m convinced, the next I’m doubtful. I wish I had more to read about. It would make me feel better. Anyways. I think I’m the only one that can be there for Kayla, so I’ll be there. To the outside, problem-free Julia, here to help those in need. That’s what I’m here for. Nope, I don’t have any problems of my own. I just take in everyone else’s, + those become mine. And the symptoms of being Borderline that I all are... well I’m just a teenage girl, what do I know. I’m never convinced. I wish you’d ask more questions, Doc. I like answering questions about myself. Like surveys + stuff. Well there I go again, being selfish. Kayla’s right. She calls me self-centered. I used to try + not be, although at first when she told me it took me by surprise, because I did not think I was so. But I think she was right. I can’t diagnose myself, Doc. I don’t know nearly enough about psych as you do. I don’t want to take medication. Not now. I like the way I am most of the time. If my mom knew... some of the stuff I did... what I’ve done, or what I do, she’d probably send me to someone like you. Wouldn’t that be funny if she sent me to you!? I think that’d be hilarious. We’d have to keep it a secret though. I guess then I wouldn’t have to pay you anymore. But that probably won’t happen. Not on purpose, anyways. If on accident, (which I guess is the only way), things could get bad. I can’t let Dave know. The only thing he could use as a suspicion is that I’m really sensitive and get upset easily. I think that’s all he knows. Sometimes I’m scared that Kassie will tell him. She’s the only one that knows. Ironic, isn’t it. Even Kayla doesn’t know.
...I don’t want to scare him away. For him to think I’m just an emo wannabe looking for attention + stooping down to that level. I know he’d be disappointed in me. That one night at the bookstore with him + Nick + Mick, in the psychology section, he pointed to a book about it and said “maybe we should get that for Kassie, as a joke of course with a laugh. But I just stood there, not smiling, studying those book titles as if it weren’t funny. Because it wasn’t. Part of the subtitle of the book was “understanding why / behind why” or whatever, and I almost told him, “no, maybe you should get it for yourself.” But I didn’t. If he noticed me acting strange, he didn’t say anything. Just went off with Mick. Speaking of Mick... I wonder if he told Dave his little secret.
...Back then, it seems things were more innocent. We watched some movies. The Hangman’s Curse, Constantine, + Queen of the Damned. All of those, good movies by the way, in some way or another. Although... there’s this one scene in Constantine that I can’t stand. Glass. Well Doc, it’s getting late. I h ope you have a good evening. Talk to you later, + thank you so much for listening, that’s all I need right now. Bye.

Monday, March 26, 2007~in my room~currently listening to Bright Eyes. Although I have just finished my latest favorite playlist consisting of Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation,” Tilly & the Wall’s “Sing Songs Along” + “You & I Misbehaving” & last but not least, t.A.T.u’s “All the Things She Said” & also the Russian Techno Mix of that song. That pretty much sums up the past week. In a very small nutshell.
I have a crush, it’s a she, & she’s a senior. Oh, and she’s straight. Bright Eyes reminds me of Anna LaHood. Her sister is friends with her. Kayla is the only one I actually told, because she knows about the Sarah Lang thing last year. Marlowe guessed (that was yesterday) & Dana guessed (today) & both of them are in Her acting class, (advanced), 8th period. Damn, I’m with Coyle. Her locker is right across from the art room. I heard her 5th period while I was doing workstudy. I am no Alice Blake. (There’s Anna again!) It was all meant to stay inside. But they guessed. I know I can trust Dana. But they both thought I should talk to her. I’ve never had a one-on-one conversation with her. She left early from Amy’s cast party on Friday night. But Saturday night was awesome. Outside in the driveway of Mary Guinan, was Kayla, Mick, Dan, DJ, Julia LaHood, Chelsey, Anna, Carolyn, and her. I think those are all. Carolyn was quiet, & a latecomer. Hell, I was quiet too. Dan & Chelsey were pretty wasted. I supplied gum for Chelsey though, she smelled of smoke. I just made a Facebook. She was pretty quiet too. She had her arms crossed a lot. With the fading tattoos. Black nailpolish on the fingernails, pink on the toenails. Orange flip flops. Orange Sun Dawgs shirt. Shit, is that a giveaway? Kayla spent the night Friday. She has a crush on Dan. Mick is depressed a lot. I like it better when he smiles. She likes Bright Eyes. & Tilly + the Wall too. And Cake. I don’t remember what else. Oh, the Beatles. She has a wonderful smile. Absolutely. Marlowe used to have a crush on her (+ Sarah Lang too) and Dana thinks she’s hot. Dana also thinks she’s a great actress. No need to tell me twice. I can see that for myself. I have barely eaten the past two days. But I’m not craving any food. I’ve been so... distracted. Or as Dana said, “I’ve got it bad.” You could say that again. God. This is just so sick & wrong & childish & just absolutely SICK & WRONG & CHILDISH. The Devil’s in the Details... yeah, thanks Conor. Dave broke up with me on the Ides of March (15...duh) Julius Caesar. Shakespearean tragedy. Get with it. 2 years & 3 days of Dave. So now it’s over. I’ve been so busy thinking about everything else, the play, her, etc... more her... she was in the play... the play’s over... I bawled at the last showtime. Makeup everywhere. She was right there. She can’t know. I love the pictures on her myspace. I don’t let myself save them. Or send a friend request.
Tomorrow is strike. She will most likely be there. Unless she has to work. I know Dan won’t be there tomorrow. He works at La Casa’s. Tomorrow. Cafeteria between 3rd & 4th. 6th in Newville’s. After school, in Dashner’s room. I’m infatuated, I’m paranoid, I’m all wrong. More later? No more tequila. Haha. Long story. 40%. Tomorrow. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. It’ll be okay. Fuck. Please let it be okay.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007~in my room~Strike was today. “Lady colours” as she is now known was there. Well, I found out some things today. One may recall back to Freshman year when I had this crush on Marlowe, right. Well it turns out, she had a crush on me too, & pretty much everyone knew about it cept me. God. I’ve failed so soon. My apologies, I’m trying to not think about her 24/7. It’s harder than... goddess. I’ve got it bad. I can’t see in front of me anymore. Kayla thinks I’ll get over it. I’ll have to. If I don’t, at least she’ll be gone. Fuck, she’ll be gone. She can’t know. No one else can. It’s bad enough with 3 people. Kayla, Marlowe, & Dana. It all makes me so sick. I have to stop looking at her. Just stop. I mean in real life. Fuck. What did I do to deserve this. I just need to keep my cool. Oh man. I just remembered something. I am pretty sure she saw Marlowe & myself today, w/Marlowe’s arm around me, & then she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I’m pretty sure she saw it. Wouldn’t that be so ironic if... she & Marlowe are in acting, & like she brings it up? or asks who I am or something? Not that that would ever happen. Poor Marlowe... and if she asked her if we were going out or something... “No, because she likes you more than she does me.” It’s so dramatic. Just think, “No, because of you.” Her: “What the fuck?” Fuck, I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. God, Marlowe, none of this is your fault. With your touch, my body says Dave, & my mind says her No on else can know. I suppose with this Marlowe thing, the word will get around about the bi thing. Although my space still says “Not sure” & my facebook doesn’t say anything. I gave in before I got off the computer. I went to her myspace. I have the URL memorized. She has to many great pictures. I’m not even kidding. Fuck.

Wednesday, April 4?~12:09 AM~in my room~ “Chicago” by Sufjan Stevens~ Got ca cell phone today. Verizon. It’s a Samsung. 1400 mins a month, split with Mom & Brad. Free nights after 9 & free weekends. 238-6197. Took forever to get it. But turns out its free. And I got a car charger too. And I walked next door to Border’s & combined 3 gift cards to get a new journal. Moleskin, 14.95. Expensive for a small black journal, huh? I was going to buy Up the Down Staircase, but they didn’t have any in, so I tried ordering it, but it was unavailable to order too. Dumb. I’ll maybe borrow it from Angela @ school. Damn I’m on spring break. Just gotta wait like a week. Oh well. “The Dress Looks Nice On You.” More Sufjan Stevens. I guess this journal is done with. Took long enough, huh.