J2, ii. (2006)

For the beginning of this journal, the year 2005, start with the previous post.

Thursday January 19, 2006~9:27 I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t do anything right. I am too critical of people. Half the time, I can only see the good side of people, I act as if everyone in the world is good-natured, + the other half of the time it seems as if I hate everyone because no one is good enough + everyone pisses me off and I pinpoint every single flaw to their disadvantage. I’m stupid. So now I guess on the verge of losing a friend, who is no doubt pissed, angry, hurt, self-pitying--see look I’m already doing it. Dunno how I’m going to do psychology if I can’t control the way my own mind thinks. I don’t like my mind. I don’t like my aura. I don’t like my horoscope. I don’t like my zodiac. I don’t like me ineffable self.

Haha it sucks when you cry + you don’t have sob-proof mascara on + you have black tears running down your face + it stings so you rub your eyes but then it gets all over your eyes too + your fingers + you look like a total mess + you look in the mirror + stand in awe of what you have created long enough to make the tears stop.

The middle of the flower with all of its little petals, like me not being able to keep friends, not being able to to speak up for myself, being freakin’ ineffable, having terrible faith in everything + nothing, not being able to believe in anything, even myself, not even really wanting new friends, not taking good care of myself, only thinking of you + nobody else, being such a cry baby, picking out flaws, having crappy handwriting, being a bad friend, being a bad daughter, being a bad sister, always doubting myself + others, even when I hold my standards up so high.

And all I do is cry, it’s what I do best. Everything else, I’m just a fake, a slacker. But you can count on me to cry. I cry for you, I cry for me, I cry for the world. But if you think about it I’m only being selfish.

I hate being 15. You can’t do anything, yet you are held up to do so much. Get perfect grades. Have the best friends. Do all housework. Be amiable, agreeable, beautiful, understanding, supportive, humble, loving, PERFECT. I can’t be perfect. Because I can’t do everything right. I can’t even love right. Hell, I doubt I even cry right. The perspective’s off. Lemon meraing pie. Five cent licorice. Strawberries in the fields. It doesn’t make any sense. None of the world at all. Ahem why are we here? There’s no point. It’s all selfish. Love is selfish. I’m being selfish. Is God being selfish?

Saturday, May 20, 2006~10:17~ Reasons why Kassie is better for you than me:

- You’ll go to the same high school - She can burn incense - She doesn’t have a brother in your class - She doesn’t have siblings - She has more than one car - She will live closer than me - You can both complain about your body weight together - Her mom is cool - She has a cell phone - She has her own computer - She has cable - You like going to her house - She has a big comfy couch - Her parental units don’t interfere - She has money - Her non-existent glasses don’t get in the way - She can stay out late - She has smoother legs than I - She doesn’t read a lot either - She doesn’t have an internet time limit - She can access all websites - She’s funny - You won’t hear “sorry” every 2 minutes - Not much competition - You can go see her theatre productions - You can laugh about teachers - You can wave in the halls - You can sit together at lunch - You could walk to each other’s houses - You could get married, buy a dog, have sex and have kids. Thefuckingend.

Saturday, July 8 (?), 2006 Me + Sean just got done playing with a feature called Photo Booth on his new Apple laptop. And Aunt Pam is programming her new top of the line phone. And Kayla is eager to have me try her new 400$ wakeboard, named Spork. There’s a fly on Uncle Mark’s back. I read a book last night of Kayla’s called Crosses. It made me incredibly uncomfortable in a strange way...the book is just disturbing in a way I’ve don’t think I’ve experienced by reading a book.

We were driving today + stopped at a light, + I saw the neck of a broken glass beer bottle on the ground, + it reminded me of a scene in that book, + I had to clutch my wrists for awhile, it made me feel ill. It’s like my mind shivers. Like I physically squirm. Makes me really rally rally want to put on arm warmers. More like arm protectors. I need my gloves. I hate having my wrists bare. Too vulnerable.

Friday, July 15 (?), 2006, 11:09, in the living room in our cabin, Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri. We went for another late night ride. Cept this time something hit something + messed up the boat... the speedometer or something. Kayla is making eggs right now I think. I guess she eats a lot. I really miss Dave. A lot. From now on, when I refer to Kayla + I’s fantasy for after high school (the one that starts with a fatal car crash) it shall be known as The Plan. Note: remember “Shpausz Moungkay” Sean Connery, I guess. It should go in both me + Kayla’s profiles. People will be like what huh? Aunt Pam came up to our cabin today when everyone was up here (cept Billie, she’s sick) and she’s dancing and like Guys I have news! + she was messing with her phone + then says jokingly We’re having a baby! yeah haha -.- She plays a message on her phone on speakerphone + it starts like “This is Holly McCoy from Mercy, substituting for Trisha Steele who’s on maternity leave” or something like that blah blah blah, + says something along the lines of there’s a spot that came open + so now KAYLA’S COMING TO MERCY! + me + her started jumping up + down + hugging + dancing + stuff. We were so happy I kind of wonder if Mark + Pam are happy about it? Well so now I’m all thinking about it + all the cool stuff that I think’s gonna be happening. (Eric + Kayla are fighting right now + it’s annoying) Kayla really wants to do tech I think, but she also wants to play basketball so problems will inevitably arise with that. Since Erin is going to go to Central, + Angel can no longer sit with us, we can replace them with Susan + Kayla. Although I suppose that is rather selfish of me, just kind of sticking them in + not thinking about the other people at the table. Plus what will happen when they make friends in their own grade? I suppose people can switch tables. Although I shall miss Marlowe dearly. I very much long for Dave. I’m pretty glad we are leaving tomorrow morning. But our van’s AC broke I think, so I have to ride with Kayla again. That car hurts my butt. I hate that car. It’s such a gas hog. And too big.

Saturday, July 22, 2006~10:42~in my room~Yesterday, Friday, I went to Kassie’s, + me, her, + Marshall walked around the cemetary for like 2 hours then went to Crane. Then I went to the pool + met up with Dave, Susan, Josh, Pat, + Matt. Dave grew! Omg he’s like barely shorter than me now. I could tell he was happy about that. Sooo... I’m wondering when that Runescape membership runs out. Yeah... Then today I had Susan over for awhile + then we had the Goetzinger’s + Jeff + Lisa over for dinner. Then Jeff, Em + I went to Hollywood + rented the movie Serenity + watched it at her house. It was made by Joss Whedon so that’s pretty cool.

Friday, July 28, 2006, 12:11 A.M.~in my room~Reading: The Full Spectrum. A new generation of writing about gay, lesbain, bisexual, transgender, questioning, and other identities. Okay + I think Mom thinks I’m lesbian or something? Okay + I am seriously over halfway done with this book + still haven’t read one thing about being asexual. Not one thing. An hour ago, I was getting off the internet... I was saying bye to Teh Lewl... “sweet dreams julia” me: “you too” Jeff: “only if ur in em :)” Weird, huh? Now what is that supposed to mean? Oh, I know, I’m being overly sensitive + paranoid again. I put up my “Sweet Dreams” (Marilyn Manson) away message. No talkie to Dave today. :( I went to the mall w/Susan, Kass, + Kayla. I got a cool pair of arm warmers, or as Eric calls them, arm shoes, at Torrid. Almost got a corset at Hot Topic. Almost. I drove for like a total of an hour + a half. Highway, dude. Random note: I think Dave is either bi, a liar, or both. Or maybe that’s that overly S+P again, as I shall now call it...

Some things in that book made me think. One of them having to do with dreams. I recall reading something awhile ago that one of Sigmund Freud’s theories was that dreams reveal hidden + often unconscious desires. I hope that is not true, for my unconscious would scare me incredibly so. I have had... strange dreams before, involved both mal + female (though most of the time female...+ most of the time Sarah Lang) Now STOP. None of these dreams had anything to do with SEX, thank you very much. Don’t get your underwear in a wad. The mind is quite a strange thing... strange dreams involving Mariah, Erin, + Sarah. Which is stupid, because...Mariah? Eew! Never. And Erin is just...Erin. There’s this bug stuck in the tub + I feel really sorry of it because it can’t get out. How did it get in there anyways? I left some water for it a few days ago... I think I’m going to name it Alex. That was it can’t be offended if it’s a boy, a girl, F2M, M2F, etc. And it’s middle name is going to be Sam. I remember Dave telling Rey he liked that name, I think... More water for Alex Sam. <3

Wednesday, August 16, 2006, ~9:27~ I dunno what to listen to. Tomorrow school starts. I think Dave is avoiding me. I dunno what to think. Dyed hair more black tonight. Need music. Now. Oh lookie {insert bloody fingerprint here} Haha dot dot. Goodnight.